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Chill, Chat, & Screw: No Feelings Allowed

Tell me what kind of superman, would take you to his bedroom baby, and hit you with some front back and side to side. Like hydraulics on a stormy nite and break you off something proper like. Ain't no need for you to perpetrate 'cuz you will accommodate and you will appreciate the way he flips you up, down and round and round, in and out make you scream andshout….shorty put your thing down down…He ain't your boyfriend, he ain't your husband just somebody you can call when your body needs a fix, he'll put you in the mix, then you'll hear him asking what’s my name, say my name Splackavellie….

Lord knows that’s one of my favorite songs. This is one of the classics r&b songs of the 90s, by a group called Pressha. The lyrics were very relatable and straight to the point. With dope vocals, harmonies, and lyrics; the song gave us an experience of a woman having a maintenance man or friend with benefits. Now there’s a difference between a maintenance man and friends with benefits, and the difference is simple.

Maintenance men or women, provide one thing and that’s sex. There’s no lingering, no beyond the surface conversation. A friend with benefits provides a little more. It provides a platonic connection. Conversation that is personal but not too deep. Two individuals will hang out like any person would with their regular friends; except this is someone that sexually gives your body a certain level of healing, like one’s significant other is expected to do. Hell, sometimes a friend with benefits can give you an experience beyond the capabilities of a significant other.

In the most basic sense, a friends with benefits (FWBs) relationship is one in which two people are physically intimate with one another, yet they’re not committed to each other in any way. In other words, people involved in a friends with benefits relationship clearly enjoy spending time together and hooking up, but their relationship isn’t romantic and has no strings attached.

These types of relationships include sexual relationships, friendship, and romantic love. Unlike casual sexual affairs, romantic love is a serious matter. Friendship is also not a casual relationship; we do not make friends with all our acquaintances. Friendship assumes the continuation of the relationship over a period of time and a depth that is absent from mere casual acquaintances. However, as friendship refers to a less comprehensive interaction between two people, it requires a less comprehensive commitment than romantic love.

In friendship with benefits, the friendship and the benefits are typically non-exclusive recurring sexual or near-sexual activities. The bond and commitment in friendship with benefits are less deep than in romantic love but greater than in casual sex. While romantic love usually involves a similar relative weight to the friendship and the sex components, in friendship with benefits the friendship component is of greater weight, and the sex component is a kind of icing on the cake. Hence, the two partners have often been friends or lovers first, prior to achieving the position of being friends with benefits. Sex between friends with benefits is more recurring and affectionate than that of a one-night stand, although the sex is not part of romantic love. Research shows that men appear to focus more on the benefits and women more on the friendship.

In the most basic sense, a friends with benefits relationship is one in which two people are physically intimate with one another, yet they’re not committed to each other in any way. In other words, people involved in a friends with benefits relationship clearly enjoy spending time together and hooking up, but their relationship isn’t romantic and has no strings attached.

When you enter into a FWB relationship, you should openly and honestly discuss and agree upon the nature of your connection right from the start. In other words, in order to avoid confusion, hurt feelings and misread signals, you should be totally forthright and in complete accord with each other about the nature of your FWB relationship. That way, your no strings connection can be as problem-free as possible. In order for a FWB relationship to work out, it has to fulfill your needs as well as his or hers. And while you may enjoy hooking up and being intimate, these types of relationships can only be successful if you’re both completely content with the arrangement.

Because the benefit is sex, and any time sex is involved, it complicates matters even when both people try to maintain communication and mutual respect. For an FWB arrangement to work, you have to know each other; have a sense of who both of you are with and to each other; and understand what feelings the emotional and sexual dynamic evokes in you. Maintaining an FWB in a healthy way means communicating about what each person expects and where each is as the relationship evolves. Whether it feels comfortable and safe, or problems arise, if there is room to work through challenges to maintain the friendship, even at the expense of the benefits, then you are in a successful connection. There is a mutual investment in each other's well-being, because you're friends first.

Regardless of how the relationship is labeled, when you’re sexually involved with someone you already care deeply for, emotions build, as does trust, intimacy, connection, and familiarity. And, no matter what one calls the arrangement, it can still get tricky. Check in to make sure that your friend is still your friend and that it's not getting more challenging to maintain your status, or is in any way becoming off-putting for you or for them.

You may long for more and feel hopeful that the sexual part of your friendship will help your friend engage in a more romantic, committed way. You may continue calling the relationship FWB for fear that if your friend knew you wanted more, it would scare them off. You may have boxed yourself into an FWB title when your feelings no longer remotely reflect that arrangement. Under these circumstances, FWB is not an accurate label, because it does not reflect what you're actually experiencing. And because your relationship is mislabeled, it can contribute to feeling less deserving of the feelings you're having.

The Huffington Post says that there are 5 benefits of having a friend with benefits:

1. You have a friend and friendship matters

2. Sex has its perks

3. You can and should practice safe sex

4. It’s a good way to experiment

5. Freedom

Now I’m sure there are people who are not in support of a friends with benefits situation. Some may not understand or agree that there are any advantages. Well I came across a website called Hello Giggles and they provide a lot of information and articles on things such as love, sex, beauty, relationships, and more. This website actually says that there are 7 reasons why being friends with benefits is actually better than being in an actual relationship:

1. They’re way more sustainable than relationships

2. You can be upfront about what you want

3. Sleepovers are not necessary

4. Your time is your time

5. You don’t have to introduce them to anyone

6. Ending it should be easy

7. There’s no commitment

In this world, there are a lot of different types of Fuck buddies or FWBs. With as diverse as people are, I’m sure there are tons of reasons why people want one over having a serious partner. A good FWB is hard to find. So if you got one you need to make sure you enjoy him/her. Just so there’s no confusion or misunderstanding; I’m grateful to Glamour Magazine for their 11 rules for being friends with benefits:

1. Be clear about what you’re looking for

2. Don’t necessarily expect it to turn into a relationship

3. Check in intermittently with how you’re feeling about all of this

4. Try to get a read on their feelings, too

5. Remember that this is sexual, not emotional

6. Be sure you’re using protection

7. Talk about how you’re going to talk about it

8. Do some general housekeeping i.e. what are the terms of your FWB arrangement

9. Acknowledge your own comfort zone

10. Talk about how it’s going to end

11. Make sure it’s fun

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