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Guess What? Love Should’ve Brought You Home

Updated: Apr 21

Bill and Hillary Clinton, T.I. and Tiny, Offset and Cardi B, Jodi and Yvette, Kanye West and Amber Rose, Kim Kardashian and Reggie Bush, Booby and Keyshia Cole, Shaq and Shaunie O’Neal, most relationships involving professional athletes, multiple relationships involving reality stars, Bobby Brown and Whitney Houston, Beyonce and Jay Z, any relationship that Ray J has been in, and many many many more…..These are all marriages or relationships that have had to deal with various levels of adultery or cheating. Some of them experienced it multiple times. Some were able to work through this major relationship mountain. Some saw their relationship unrepairable…broken…dead as ten bodies in a cemetery.

A website called Bustle, by way of Shana Lebowitz, thought of 8 ways to repair your relationship after cheating. Take a look:

1. Don’t automatically assume that the relationship is doomed.

2. Acknowledge that you’ve created a problem.

3. Figure out what drove you to cheat.

4. Cut off communication with the other man or woman.

5. Limit the times that you talk about the infidelity.

6. Give your partner time to heal.

7. Be honest with yourself and with your partner.

8. Seek professional help.

Regardless of how inconceivable it might seem to cheat or to be cheated on, the harsh reality is that it unfortunately happens all the time. Sometimes, the truth never comes out, and the person who did the deed spends years saddled with a guilty conscience. Other times, it does come to light and wreaks absolute havoc on what may have seemed like a good relationship.

Some researchers have estimated that marital infidelity occurs in about 2.3 percent of married women, and about 4.3 percent of married men. Other studies suggest that as many as 25 percent of men and 11 percent of women will, at some point in their lives, end up in bed with someone other than their partner.

It all comes down to respect. If you truly respect the person you've committed to, you will never be able to cheat on him or her. You would just not be capable of doing that to someone you care deeply about. Just because there may not have been respect at that moment, it doesn’t mean that this can’t be significantly improved. Past urges to cheat comes from never really wanting to commit to a relationship, but still selfishly wanting all the benefits of having one.

Some men, rather than bringing up such a subject, feel shame that they automatically assume their wife will freak out. They then project their own shame upon their partner, often unjustly. Even if the wife initially is not open to such experimentation, the man’s desire for it is not likely to go away, and he may seek out a different avenue with which to vent it. Similarly, a husband's unwillingness to be more romantic doesn’t mean his wife's desire for it will go away, either.

If the betrayer wants to salvage the relationship (or, rather, build a new marriage), he or she is going to have to become completely transparent for a period of time. That is, no secret passwords for emails or computers. No secret meetings or letters. Nothing can ever be deleted. If not, the injured partner cannot learn to trust again. Over time, the injured partner needs to understand that total transparency is no longer useful, and needs to prepare for that to end and learn to trust in the dark. This is not easy.

For some people, cheating means an automatic break-up. Others may still have feelings for their partner, and depending on the circumstances they may want to try and keep the relationship going. A lot of people may ask: how do I build trust again after my partner cheats?

As hard as this might be to hear, it’s important to remember that there is no way to 100% guarantee that your partner will never cheat again. Your partner has to make the choice not to cheat, and you can’t control other people’s decisions. However, you can choose whether or not to trust your partner again. Rebuilding trust is possible. It does take a lot of work, and both partners have to be committed to healing the relationship.

Communication should be open. Healthy communication is important in any relationship, but especially after trust has been broken. You should be able to talk honestly with your partner, and you should feel that your partner is being open and honest with you. If you have an argument, try to fight fair without bringing up the past.

Be on the same team. Your relationship may not look the same on the “other side,” but it is possible to build something new. You should both be focused on building that new relationship together.

Stay “present-oriented.” One of the most difficult things about rebuilding trust after someone cheats is staying in the present moment and building toward the future, rather than living in or worrying about the past. You have every right to feel hurt, angry, and sad about your partner’s decision to cheat. However, if you can’t eventually let go of those feelings and work toward a more positive, open approach to the relationship, it may be a sign that this relationship is not worth staying in.

Trust yourself. This might be the most important (and hardest) thing to do. You might be questioning your own instincts at this point: “Should I have done something differently?” “Shouldn’t I have seen this coming?” But learning to trust yourself, your own feelings, and that you’ll be okay moving forward is key to having a healthy relationship with anyone. If something doesn’t feel right, rethink about whether or not it’s right for you.

If you cheated on your partner, and you both have decided to try and make your relationship work again, there are a few things you need to do - Take responsibility. Own up to your behaviors, and be understanding about how those behaviors have made your partner feel. Be honest with yourself as to why you made the decision to cheat. Keep promises. Call when you say you’ll call. Do what you say you’re going to do. Show that you are worthy of trust.

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