I find myself at a loss for words. This is not because I don’t have any. It is because I’m tired (understatement) of the same words, story, and song. It is now over 2.5 years of an extended storm and I feel like, at times, that I’m fighting a losing battle. Life has been a torturous seesaw. My emotions and mental well-being has been on a rollercoaster ride. I hate both of ‘em.
I’ve created a clock and the countdown has begun. I’m getting off both these damn contraptions one way or another.
Full transparency, ok? Has there been progression? Yes! Has some healing taken place? Absolutely! Determination has increased and improved focus on the right things has sustained. That old fire inside of me that was gone, has gradually gotten bigger. I still feed myself spiritually every day, and I’ve seen how that has positively affected my life. I have people that love me, support me, lift me up, and feed into me. SO WHAT’S THE PROBLEM?
I have more negative emotions inside than good. Although, at times I feel that I have more good days than bad. Sermons, gospel songs, devotionals have been utilized daily. I’ve been blessed by them immensely. Physical health has improved. I feel tortured. I don’t necessarily want to say that I feel tortured by God. Nor do I think all of the blame is on the devil, because he can’t do nothing God doesn’t allow him to do. So what do I do? How do I cope and manage better? How do I keep myself from going back to that dark place I came out of? Because the next time I go back into that place I won’t have the desire to push or fight out of it again.
Yes, therapy is in place. Yes, I have honest convos with myself and God. Like a game of spades, I’m all out of trump cards…nothing good left to play. I’m not back to feeling defeated, but motivation is drastically low. The attitude of no longer caring about anything is increasing. I’m not confused, lost, or filled with despair. Yet – anger, resentment and emotional & mental exhaustion is ever present. I told you earlier, an emotional and mental rollercoaster. I do have things that make me smile, if only temporarily, and that I’m very grateful for. The rides haven’t stopped. The seesaw and rollercoaster ride have been continuous with no break.
A play with no intermission. A series with no finale. A NBA game with no time out.
One of my favorite movies of all time, is Antwone Fisher. One of my favorite scenes in the movie is the one with the, Who Will Cry For The Little Boy poem. I’m not looking for anyone to cry for me. I’m looking to HIM to make it all stop, before something outside of him does…….
…….To Be Continued