It is often said that marriage is a serious commitment. You hear people talk about how marriage takes a lot of work. I personally believe both to be true. However, what I find intriguing is the reasons why people get married. Everyone does not get married for love. If they say they do, they are lying. Due to the divorce rates, it is clear many do not get married for the right reasons. When I look at celebrities, read magazines or books, observe people I have interacted with, and think of some of my own relatives…people get married for a lot of reasons other than love. Someone needs a green card/citizenship. Being married fits an image needed for a professional goal. Another reason is the need to coverup one’s sexuality. Then a big one is, the female got pregnant. This leads a lot of men, rather because of family pressure or cultural expectation, to feel obligated to make marriage the next step. Lastly, especially for females – becoming a wife is like a mandate and something that is embedded from a young age.
Families, various cultures, or aspects of society can make it seem like you are lacking something if you have reached a certain age and have not gotten married yet. The same can happen if two people have been dating for a certain amount of time, the pressure is mounted on to get married. God forbid you have been dating someone for two years; people look at you like something is wrong cause ya’ll not married. I enjoy watching this show called Family Karma. The cast of the show all have roots in India/Middle East. One of the cast members has been in a relationship for 6 months. Everyone, including the girlfriend, is piling on the pressure to get engaged and move towards marriage. 6 months? Some people may be ready in 6 months. For some it may take a few years. I find it ridiculous to put a time limit on when a person should know and be ready for marriage. Everyone is not the same and should not be treated or looked at as if something is wrong with them.
One of my biggest issues is the judgement that people give as it pertains to why people get married, when they get married, and how they choose to run their marriage. First off, people need to mind the business that pays them. If one couple’s marriage does not negatively affect your livelihood, mind your damn business. One of the things I want to discuss is convenience and stability. Specifically, people who get married for convenience or stability – not love!
Without judgement or ridicule, people should be able to do whatever they want in their relationships. They should be able to be in their relationships/marriages for whatever reason. For some people, they cannot be in a relationship with someone they do not love. The emotion attached to it is vastly more important. For some, love is not that important. You have individuals that get married because of the stability the marriage provides their life and/or because of what they can build together. For example, you can like the person but not be in love with them. They respect you; you all have fun together, financially you have been able to build an amazingly comfortable life, and you all are a great team together. There is just no love. I do believe this works for a lot of people. This is more like a business partnership, not a romantic one. However, I feel it works and both parties can be happy.
The presence of love does not guarantee a marriage will last and the absence of it does not guarantee that it will not.
Rather one gets married for love, an arrangement, a business partnership, or whatever; there is one thing that is important…. loyalty and dedication to the goal. The achievement of a goal does not just happen, you must work at it. If you get married for love, you must work at it daily for it to be successful and sustain. If you get married because of how someone provides for you; both parties still have a role to play to ensure that the one party provides for the other. Two people get married because of more business-related reasons, such as: a) an image to acquire or to further financial and professional gain or b) two people very driven by money, power, and success see how much more successful they can be in those areas by coming together. There’s respect, attraction, multiple commonalities, sex is good, and although neither is in love with the other – they like each other.
In writing about this subject matter, it caused me to look at others’ opinion on this matter and at what I want. In asking a variety of people their opinion of this, some of the responses I got were:
I cannot marry someone I do not love just because it is convenient. Convenience is not always convenient. Just because he is here do not mean he is with me. No matter how good they are to you; if you do not love them, your all will not be in it. This can lead to cheating.
I cannot marry you for what you got. I want love, partnership, and teamwork. I got your back and you got mine.
I am not marrying for broke love. I would choose convenience and stability. Treating it as more of a business deal and having someone around regularly that is there for you. Hell, most are doing it for those reasons anyway, but just are not honest about it.
I think it is extremely risky because stability and convenience are temporary things that are subject to not existing at some point. Love on the other hand endured all things, including momentary lack of the previous two things mentioned. People will attach love to tangible things and conditions like stability and convenience; knowing that either of those things could be here today and gone tomorrow. They would rather love in that way because it feels like a safer and surer shot. Agape love is a lot of things that people do not want to do, such as: sacrifice, worry, fight for, lay down your life for, etc.
So, what do I want? What do I see for myself? If I like and enjoy you, I am good. I do not need the love. I will take convenience and comfort. Because I know me, I know that I will grow to have love for the other person. However, being in love? I do not need that. I would be happy and content with this. Some may not agree or understand, but it ain’t for them to agree or understand. You must do what makes you happy and what works for your life. No one’s opinion outside of who you are in a relationship with, should matter. However, there is something you must always remember.
Regardless of what reason leads you to enter a marriage, every reason has pros and cons. Thus, you must be ok with everything that comes with the decision you have made.
You enter a marriage for comfort and convenience purposes and then 4 years in you want this deep love in your heart and butterflies in your stomach. NOPE!
In doing some research on this, I came across 7 Pros for getting married for reasons other than love:
You don’t have to worry about being lonely in old age
Your obligations are clearly set out from the beginning
There is no risk that the romance will die
You can pool resources and live a better life
Plans are made without the emotional baggage
Raise your social standing/class/respect
There is an effort at cooperation and not meddling