Many times, I felt like I have had nothing left to give. My heart mind and spirit needs rest. I have wanted to bow out. Present one last curtain call. I’ve been on this rollercoaster ride for too long. No matter what, I am going to get off it. One way or another; I will get the rest that my heart, mind, and soul need. I have prayed, begged, and pleaded for it for far too long. How long does one have to die inside?
How can someone who is broken, be expected to pick up the broken pieces and move onward? When you call out multiple times…when you cry out multiple times....when you reach out multiple times....no response no movements....now what?
No significant other...no offspring...#1 motivation and motivator gone...#1 person I lived for or that gave me purpose is gone...I have never loved myself enough to where I felt like I am enough...I never loved myself enough where I felt like I was enough to be my own purpose for living. It was a state of emergency that I change that and change it quick. It is a flawed and uncomfortable journey at times, but it has also been exhilarating.
I remember in 2019, shortly after my life (in my opinion) fell apart, my brother Mickey said something impactful to me: You have to put one foot in front of the other and give yourself a chance! I didn’t do that right away. I immediately gave in to the negative emotions. I immediately believed my world was broken and wouldn’t be fixed. I immediately believed that I wouldn’t make it. I immediately believed that I deserved all of the bad that had happened. I immediately believed that there was no resolution. I had mentally and emotionally imprisoned myself. I allowed that internal imprisonment to consume every bit of me emotionally, mentally, and spiritually.
Now, let me keep it real! I stayed in that dark place for months. I’m talking well beyond 6 months. Before anything got remotely better, they significantly got worse.
My journey with finding my inner strength first started with Acknowledgement & Awareness. I had to be completely honest with myself about all of the areas that needed fixing. I had to acknowledge and be aware that I was doing nothing to fix what needed fixing. What I was doing to cope, was doing more harm than good. I wasn’t suicidal, so that wasn’t an option. So what that did to me, was in a way force me to realize that I had no choice but to make it through this dark period… somehow. That’s when Acceptance came about.
I had to accept that my life would never be the same. I had to accept that the one, who I once was dependent on internally, could no longer be my saving grace. I had to accept that I could no longer control my emotions and what they produced. I had to accept that I had to be submissive emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. I had to accept that it was me alone on this journey. No one could travel it for me, nor accompany me. I had to accept that relationships that I thought I needed or held dear would become distant or completely removed. It was my responsibility and mine alone to do the necessary work to heal and grow. I did…….I have.
I then had to have Patience. The journey was not going to be short and there would be no expiration date. There were going to be hurdles and regression. There was going to be high levels of discomfort and vulnerability. There was going to be many times, where I wanted to give up and would be content with giving up. The test to my strength and readiness for real healing, would come in those moments.
Once I acknowledged, was aware, had acceptance, and forced myself to succumb to patience; next came restoration and reprogramming. I had to remember all the good things about me internally. I had to remember what I bring to the table. By being in a dark place for an extremely extended amount of time; my perspective, ideologies, beliefs were very tainted. It took a lot of reprogramming, some of which I’m still working on. My priorities shifted, my tolerance changed, how I moved changed, reactions and responses changed, my expectations changed. All of these changes were thrusted in a highly positive direction.
With finding inner strength came peace that I protect at all cost. Happiness beyond ever before, exists. Focus is strong and deep. Everything I do, anyone I’m around, anywhere I go – I am intentional. I make sure that one of my daily tasks, is to do the work to ensure that all of this is sustained. Self-love returned deeper than ever before. I was reintroduced to myself. Although, rough at times. I am enjoying getting to know the new me.
Now listen! It isn’t all peaches and cream. I have moments where I want to slip back into old habits. I have moments where I’m tired of pushing through stuff. Things pile up on top of one another, to test and try me. Most times I immediately say to myself, “Oh no I don’t have no energy for this shit again!” Fear comes…However, here’s the situation…….my new self and my old self don’t get along. They battle often. There is a renewed joy, passion, and fire that exists and gradually continues to grow. Due to this, the demotivated voice in the back of my head…isn’t as dominant as it used to be. There is still some healing left for the heart to do. Although still emotionally, mentally, and spiritually fragile; I manage the internal seesaw, due to having altered my thought process and recognizing certain signs that prepares me to filter through my thoughts and emotions very efficiently…more efficiently than I have before.
As stated earlier, the journey is mine and no one can accompany or take the journey for me. What has been an asset, is my ability to open up and let certain people in. These are individuals that have showed and proved. My circle or network may be smaller, but the quality is significantly bigger. Those individuals no longer in my laugh helped add quality to my life, by me removing them from it. I may be taking the journey alone, but I have a village that surrounds and uplifts me – and I’m more and more used to letting them play their part.